so whenever i was a civilian, back before i had entered this "military world" i was a poor post highschool nobody. i rarely had a car, could never get more than 25hrs a week of work, moved about 10 times in less than 2 years..and was always feeling completely unstable. now mind you, among all this hectic drama i was very anxious to get out of it, as i felt like i was being pulled into a muddy pit, helpless and hopeless. joining the Navy was something that was going to "bring me out" and "brighten my world."
And it did.
Then why is satisfaction so far away? i enjoy my apartment, having my car, my stable job (paycheck) and now i have my husband that 'meets all my emotional desires'. All the stability and things that bring joy and comfort right? Oh how i wish. But I feel very incomplete. Very uncomfortable. Rarely Joyful.
I even read the bible everyday now, and pray more often. I'm seeking God desperately in my relationship battles, and in my boredom of life. But even that feels inadequate. Why does it feel like God isn't enough to satisfy? How do I become happy with every moment? Content with walking the steps of God's plan for me? Enjoying every breath, every morning that comes.
I feel like my days are so cliche, so tick tok tick tok tick tock BORING! The same thing, everyday. This is never what i wanted when i said i wanted stability! Watching Tv/Movies fills way more of my days then i want, but its the cheapest entertainment. I love going out seeking for a perfect outfit to buy, or getting a photoshoot done, or smoking hookah with friends, or going to a restauraunt. But those things are harder to accomplish on a regular basis, and even harder, with no friends around. I don't have friends here in Virginia. Only 'work friends' which are currently all gone on deployment. I'm the one that makes reasons to not do anything enjoyable, so then why do I not blame myself for my boredom? Who else is holding me back?
I don't even feel like I'm making an ounce of sense. But anyhow, I want a second job, If only for the reason that I want to interact with more people! I love talking, I really think Its one of my favorite things to do. Wow, I'm more like my Dad then I thought. Haha.
Thats really all for now.
As always,
Me
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
sometimes finally getting here, makes you realize you want to be back where you where
well I am back from boot camp, back from training school in meridian mississippi, and have been here at my command in Norfolk, Va for three months. I work in a early warning aircraft squadron, we have 4 planes and about 150 people in our squadron..im estimating. Currently though my entire squadron is gone on deployment on the Carl Vinson, they were just ported in Haiti helping out for two weeks, and now are on there way around South America. Destination San Diego.
And I'm here in Norfolk.
I'm really bitter about the whole thing I think, but then sometimes SO releaved I'm not smushed in a ship berthing with 40 other emotional females for three months.
My commanding officer was the one that decided I wasn't going. He's the top guy. Like..I would never get to talk to him except for the "HI, welcome to the squadron" speech the second day I was here. Who knows what he hears from Master Chief..but he decided because of the stuff I had been going thru, and my mental health appointment I had set up..to leave me behind.
I should have never made that appointment.
One of the things I 'went thru' was a miscarriage. Yes, I was pregnant for a lovely 7 weeks and 3 days before I found out that my baby had probably never had a heart beat. And the sharp pain and heavy bleeding was my body was preparing to get rid of it. I kinda knew thats what was happening while I sat in the hospital waiting room with Ryan for 84 minutes. I still remember the news story playing on the tv about a woman that had drowned her infant in the bathtub. I remember thinking in anger, that lady disposed of what I would give anything to keep! But sure enough, when the doctor said the news, I felt defeated. Useless, and unsufficent. What was wrong with my body that it couldn't create that baby? She said it has nothing to do with my body, but how can it not? Is anything else able to effect it then Me? It's in my womb! But figuring out that It wasn't my husbands baby...Thats what made me thank God for taking it.
God continues to protect me in amazing ways.
Also because of all that and things that followed, my relationship with my new husband had completely crumbled. I was so unhappy I tried to convince myself it would never work, and giving up now would be less painful and the wise descison. I even tried to convince myself I didn't love him anymore. The next two weeks following when I started entertaining the thought of ending it were my most shameful in years. Kicking him out in the way I did, when I he pushed my hug away at the airport, my kicking him in the stomach. I was disgusting. And only four days later I wanted to take it all back. I wanted him back. And there were some of the deepest longest most serious conversations with God I have had in a long time. There was change in my heart.
There were so many night of crying in bed, crying while trying to eat, crying while driving, crying at work..I couldn't stop crying. Realizing I could have lost Ryan Clark was so terrifying. And even thru my gross sin and cold hearted ways. God's grace overcame me. He reminded me his arms were around me and He gave me a chance undeserved. You know you hear you don't know what you've got till its gone...well I've gone thru that many times with my Ryan, but I guess theres something about marriage that really does change things.
Because that day I married him, my heart said forever.
There's alot going on inside me recently, and I feel kind of lost in my identity. It's hard as you sweep away all the dirt because then you feel bare. And these new habits you're trying to start feel like terrible, like you're trying to be someone else. And you have to stick it out. Because eventually being bare will feel right, and when little bits of dirt falls on you, you'll get rid of it as fast as you can. I miss the me i used to be, barely eating, smoking with people I love, and in the car.. and all those late nights with friends and sleeping in late and barely working. Being near everything familiar and getting out of hard situations all the time..like a second job. Dealing with people instead of Bills. And dying your hair everytime you fight with someone so you can start over... it was all so differant.
But growing up means getting rid of all that, I believe that. And getting rid of that is healthy spiritually, emotionally, and physically. But the proccess of changing is hard and painful. As always, and that's why people postponed growing up for so many years, and thats why you meet the 45 yr olds that are 18. But that's not God's plan. So that's not what I want. But there must be a balance of keeping some of that youth as a core of joy to get you thru adulthood.. thats the balance Im trying to figure out.
What characteristics of youth are good to keep in adulthood?
So, thats all for now. Speaking of the balance..I'm going to dye my hair tonight I think, because I need some change. I need something from my youth to make me happy after this hard day. :)
Love always,
me
And I'm here in Norfolk.
I'm really bitter about the whole thing I think, but then sometimes SO releaved I'm not smushed in a ship berthing with 40 other emotional females for three months.
My commanding officer was the one that decided I wasn't going. He's the top guy. Like..I would never get to talk to him except for the "HI, welcome to the squadron" speech the second day I was here. Who knows what he hears from Master Chief..but he decided because of the stuff I had been going thru, and my mental health appointment I had set up..to leave me behind.
I should have never made that appointment.
One of the things I 'went thru' was a miscarriage. Yes, I was pregnant for a lovely 7 weeks and 3 days before I found out that my baby had probably never had a heart beat. And the sharp pain and heavy bleeding was my body was preparing to get rid of it. I kinda knew thats what was happening while I sat in the hospital waiting room with Ryan for 84 minutes. I still remember the news story playing on the tv about a woman that had drowned her infant in the bathtub. I remember thinking in anger, that lady disposed of what I would give anything to keep! But sure enough, when the doctor said the news, I felt defeated. Useless, and unsufficent. What was wrong with my body that it couldn't create that baby? She said it has nothing to do with my body, but how can it not? Is anything else able to effect it then Me? It's in my womb! But figuring out that It wasn't my husbands baby...Thats what made me thank God for taking it.
God continues to protect me in amazing ways.
Also because of all that and things that followed, my relationship with my new husband had completely crumbled. I was so unhappy I tried to convince myself it would never work, and giving up now would be less painful and the wise descison. I even tried to convince myself I didn't love him anymore. The next two weeks following when I started entertaining the thought of ending it were my most shameful in years. Kicking him out in the way I did, when I he pushed my hug away at the airport, my kicking him in the stomach. I was disgusting. And only four days later I wanted to take it all back. I wanted him back. And there were some of the deepest longest most serious conversations with God I have had in a long time. There was change in my heart.
There were so many night of crying in bed, crying while trying to eat, crying while driving, crying at work..I couldn't stop crying. Realizing I could have lost Ryan Clark was so terrifying. And even thru my gross sin and cold hearted ways. God's grace overcame me. He reminded me his arms were around me and He gave me a chance undeserved. You know you hear you don't know what you've got till its gone...well I've gone thru that many times with my Ryan, but I guess theres something about marriage that really does change things.
Because that day I married him, my heart said forever.
There's alot going on inside me recently, and I feel kind of lost in my identity. It's hard as you sweep away all the dirt because then you feel bare. And these new habits you're trying to start feel like terrible, like you're trying to be someone else. And you have to stick it out. Because eventually being bare will feel right, and when little bits of dirt falls on you, you'll get rid of it as fast as you can. I miss the me i used to be, barely eating, smoking with people I love, and in the car.. and all those late nights with friends and sleeping in late and barely working. Being near everything familiar and getting out of hard situations all the time..like a second job. Dealing with people instead of Bills. And dying your hair everytime you fight with someone so you can start over... it was all so differant.
But growing up means getting rid of all that, I believe that. And getting rid of that is healthy spiritually, emotionally, and physically. But the proccess of changing is hard and painful. As always, and that's why people postponed growing up for so many years, and thats why you meet the 45 yr olds that are 18. But that's not God's plan. So that's not what I want. But there must be a balance of keeping some of that youth as a core of joy to get you thru adulthood.. thats the balance Im trying to figure out.
What characteristics of youth are good to keep in adulthood?
So, thats all for now. Speaking of the balance..I'm going to dye my hair tonight I think, because I need some change. I need something from my youth to make me happy after this hard day. :)
Love always,
me
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