ive got an anxious disease

alive in wild paint. incredible band. Travis bryant is the lead singer, from former Goodbye Tomorrow and Terminal,both incredible as well.  check out ALIVE IN WILD PAINT!

i am an extremely anxious person. i struggle with it all the time, almost daily, and have for the last few years. both the sychiatrists i went too,, or however the hellll you spell that..amongst some other diagnosis, said i had anxiety disorder. 

the other things were a minimal case of borderline personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, a low case of bi polar disorder and nas despression. so obviously ive been painted up to have some issues. ive never really been on on going medications simply because of how they are expensive they are. and sometimes i go thru phases where i seem okay, but sometimes things get worse, more symptoms arise, and i feel completely broken. and ive been feeling it alot, ESP the anxiety and bi polar stuff. i dont know what to do, its really hard to deal with. 

went to a DEP MEETING THIS MORNING. the last one before i leave on the 8th. I did it on 2 hrs of sleep..working out stuff and a run in this crazy heat! it wasnt that bad though, i think the mocha expresso drink at 8am saved me. i was at the meeting from 830 to 12. im actually kinda excited for basic now tho, i feel like im ready because today all these guys acted like they were dying on the run, and for me it was quite easy really. so that made me feel better. i have some serious withdrawals from things though that will be extremely difficult. :/ 

I dont feel very deep today, just sad. My siblings (minus john) are just continually blowing me off. and it hurts. like really really really really really hurts bad. im going to miss them so bad, as i do now.  thats it.

lovelovelove.

planned parenthood

SUCKS!
you cant just go get free blood testing like everyone says.you have to prove that your like completely poor as shit. and even then they will still charge you a little bit. and the lady i talked to on the phone was a prick. maybe ill go to er again? ive had good luck there..haha. sounds weird saying that..

i just feel so completely sore. every move i make is like ahh. and im just tired. i just want to curl up in a ball. not to mention i have a million bruises on my legs lol..ah my life. im so odd.

there was a ridulously extreme storm this morning. it woke me up at 7.12am. there was flooding in our basement apparently cause when i got on the tv to check for a tornado watch my mom told me to go get my dad for help cause there was a "serious water issue" in the basement. haha.
....so ya.
and apparently tonight is gonna be the worst of it. today the heat index is suppose to be 100 degrees and now the cold front is coming thru tonight around 8. and there are strong winds, hail and maybe circular storms as they call them now (aka TORNADOS!) sooo..im a lil creeped out..esp since ill be at work until 11:30.
hopefully i get sent home early and can go over to someones house, cause im sure as hell not going home tonight. everyone is driving me crazy when im in this grumpy, painful condition.

thats really all i got.
lovelovelove.

no one really wins this time

If you don't find a love you want
If I have acted ungracefully
I don't want to see you go
I never meant to make you want to leave

Go if you want
Make your way straight to the door
I hope that you'll look back before you go
'Cause grace looks back before it starts to leave


So yesterday, after I wrote that first entry, It was odd because when I went to college group, Darrins speechehmathingy (my weird word haha, see if you can figure it out) talked about the same subject I wrote about, so simply put, it was what i needed to hear, so that was awesome.
I'm not in the writing mood today honestly...Ya know I kinda feel like this sleep problem is just about the fufilling of a habit that im used to getting daily, and I have to recieve some form of it, and then i sleep like a baby, if not..theres trouble. haha. but really that is a serious problem, and something Im going to work on. Last night was just too good, I hate feeling like im getting attached when I know I cant be.

I am so feeling oriented its not even funny, even though I have a really good sense of character and truth(facts). Its like I believe the truth.. and just choose when to live by it, in this way I feel like im the worst kind of Christian, which discourages me beyond explanation. Its just so scary to think about trying to change that.

This summer weather is simply lovely, its freaking hot out, and I wish I had a beach to drive too. I loooove the beach, and I'm not going to go at all this summer, thats like a first for me, and I'm unhappy. Haha. I've pretty much given up on my photoshoot before I leave. Lauren is just too busy and doesnt find it important enough to make time for me, she'd rather continue to make plans with friends that will be around all summer, when I'm leaving in a couple weeks..oh well, you cant make people.

My brother is going in such a wrong direction and I feel like I'm doing nothing about it. He is going to be right where I was, but should I just let him learn by experience? I have no clue and I really dont like trying to confront him about anything because he simply looses his shit when that happens. Id rather keep a neutral relationship thats all fun and smiles, but really thats just my selfish motive. Wow Im really failing lately. I've even smoking again, alot, TERRIBLE for my breathing when I'm trying to do cardio daily. Someone needs to just hit me with some sense. I'm getting to where I'm just using basic as a reason to stay, I'll stop everything then..but will that really make a differance for when I get out of basic? . I really like someone right now and wish I could date them but my life is not fit for a relationship by any means at this point... and letting go of Ryan is the hardest thing. Knowing that I need to rule him out as a possible husband in my future..even though its still what i want.Ehhh I'm writing a whole bunch of nothing...

go google find chuck norris. you'll laugh.

lovelovelove.

we'll find ourselves on the safest ledge

well pardon me, i couldn't help myself.


Copeland ahh sooo good. Well I've been needing to start another one of these. I haven't blogged or journaled in any way since I was 18. Thats a year. Ha! Wow, I'm ashamed, especially since I really do enjoy writing. I leave for basic on July 8th and wont be able to journal for awhile. But when basic is done and I buy my Apple Pro 13inch I will be blogging while in my Training School and beyond when actually stationed. Hopefully it will be an easy way for people to keep up with me, for anyone that cares too.

I really titled this blog We'll find ourselves on the safest ledge for a reason. I feel like everyone is looking for the easiest way. I don't really know if the song is meaning that by that line but thats what I think of when I hear it nontheless. Everyone doesnt think they should be in pain, or struggle, or be uncomfortable, or annoyed, or anything negative! They look to get out of the way of turmoil and on the road of easybreezy. Its the tempting thing to do! But really, to recieve the BEST out of life. We must allow ourselves to go thru those kind of things, to increase our strength IN JESUS. It makes us look worse, and Him look better, but as sucky as that is sometimes, thats the best thing.

I certainly havent mastered that as a longing. But we should all long for it. Because thats the way to Honor God.

I've been having trouble sleeping when I go to bed before 1 so I usually stay out late and then come home and crash and sleep in late. Probably not the best habit to groove my way into when I'm about to go to basic and wake up at 6am every morning. :/ Im terrified. I hope everyone prays for me alot while I'm there.

Well I'll write more later tonight or tomorrow morning but I need to make my way to the gym.
If you havent heard ON THE SAFEST LEDGE BY COPELAND. GO LOOK IT UP! Listen and love, you know you wanna ;)

LoveLoveLove.