hello all,
Wow i cannot believe its been since April that I've written! I am currently on the U.S.S Enterprise for an 11 day Det. Things have changed alot since I've written, its hard to know where to begin. But I can say that I now have a restraining order on Ryan, and we are seperated. I will file the divorce papers after I return from deployment in July 2011. I have no idea where he is residing since he cant be in my home now. I dont care, I hope things get hard for him and he realizes his life is shitty because hes a pathetic excuse for a man. He needs to grow up, humble himself, and learn to accept responsibility for things...and his actions. I'm just SO proud of myself for finally reporting him and getting the protection i need, and finally free-ing myself from the emotional bondage of this terrible relationship. Its odd now to think i was really dedicated to it all a month ago, thinking and expecting things to get better. What a fool i was. And I've learned a very important lesson through this. That i can't go to my parents for the answers to my life decisions, plain and simple. I feel like I have to earn back their respect, when really I dont. I need to choose things that are best for me no matter what they think about it. Because when shit comes down I'm gonna be the only one thats there for myself. And I've been seeing that play out over and over again. You can't always trust family to back you up either. Its sad but true.
I'm so happy though i feel much more free and like anything is possible again. Every day is easier knowing I just have myself to worry about now. I guess I dont have anything else to say, its hard to focus right now, so ill write again at some point maybe before im back on land in virginia.
wish me luck, alot of stuff going on right now ;)
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
days and nights
so im sitting here listening to swimming with dolphins, silhouettes, hair a little greasy, ( I need to get up and go shower), feeling a little sore on my stomach, since i got my bellybutton pierced with my roomate tonight, and listening to That 70's show on the tv and my puppy running around the apartment non stop in the background.
I'm craving fruit gushers, for some reason unknown to me, since i've probably eaten them five times in my entire lifespan. And I'm so thirsty for water i feel like i could drink two or three gallons. I'm kinda bored, ryans at work until 11pm, but really i just don't think i feel like doing anything, its not that I'm bored. I get so tired of moving sometimes, and sitting here with nothing moving but my fingers across the keys feels like home. I love it.
You know you can be anywhere in the world, but typing feels exactly the same, the smooth buttons touching the bottom of your fingers, the palm of your hands occasionally grazing across the laptop, and sometimes you can feel the edge of the table or desk slightly digging into your elbow area. And then when you type really quickly, like me, you can even feel the air on your fingers as they wisp around. It's an art. And something I would never give up. Something else that feels the same anywhere in the world, eating a chipotle burrito. Just saying ;) haha but seriously. It's simple pleasures like typing that I seem to look pass, but I should find joy in EVERYTHING. maybe then the joy would out do the frustrations. I feel myself getting frustrated at the littlest things lately, and i wonder if my patience is wearing down. I'm really patience with people, but not so much with bad drivers or when i press the wrong button and open the tv program on my phone and it takes like 45 seconds to load! Oh Lord help me right?! Haha. come on, you know your that anal.
I really don't know why I decided to go to blogspot and write this, I don't have anything substantial to share. Just felt like writing. I have so much to look forward too and I'm getting really excited! Birthday weekend in D.C. with the fam (minus lala :( ) and then daytona at the end of june! days of work just get me closer so i dont mind them...passing by so droll like. My life is dull...I think. Ryan and I had our first marriage counseling session last thursday and I was so encouraged Ryan talked! He seems to really want to participate and be involved in this and Im so glad. Anything is possible when both people are willing to take advice and change! Ryan and I love eachother so much, just thinking about makes me feel happy. I know that if we can learn how to communicate in a way we take what we're saying to the other person the right way, we'll be a really happy couple. if that makes sense. It's SO odd I'm married when I think about it, and how I'll always be married now, I feel pretty at ease though about the thought, which i guess is good!
I'm just going to put this out there.
I think about having a baby at least two times a DAY! Every day. I'm not exaggerating. I think sex is less exciting because I know theres ZERO chance I can accidently get pregnant now that Im on the Depo shot. STUPID RIGHT? ahh its just girls are having babies all around me in the NAVY, everywhere i look, some woman is waddling around looking like her babies about to fall out right then. im sooo jealous. I don't know whats wrong with me, I feel like I'm sick in the head thinking about having a baby this bad. Does anyone else go thru this phase??!! will it end?!! I find myself planning my future around having a bably. And then I go back and forth with trying to find excuses to just have one in the next year. Oh,....I'm so sad. haha.
Anyways, I should go, I'm just rambling.
I think I'm feeling some copeland coming on :)
and some pjs..im ready to be out of these jeans.
goodnight lovelies.
xoxo
I'm craving fruit gushers, for some reason unknown to me, since i've probably eaten them five times in my entire lifespan. And I'm so thirsty for water i feel like i could drink two or three gallons. I'm kinda bored, ryans at work until 11pm, but really i just don't think i feel like doing anything, its not that I'm bored. I get so tired of moving sometimes, and sitting here with nothing moving but my fingers across the keys feels like home. I love it.
You know you can be anywhere in the world, but typing feels exactly the same, the smooth buttons touching the bottom of your fingers, the palm of your hands occasionally grazing across the laptop, and sometimes you can feel the edge of the table or desk slightly digging into your elbow area. And then when you type really quickly, like me, you can even feel the air on your fingers as they wisp around. It's an art. And something I would never give up. Something else that feels the same anywhere in the world, eating a chipotle burrito. Just saying ;) haha but seriously. It's simple pleasures like typing that I seem to look pass, but I should find joy in EVERYTHING. maybe then the joy would out do the frustrations. I feel myself getting frustrated at the littlest things lately, and i wonder if my patience is wearing down. I'm really patience with people, but not so much with bad drivers or when i press the wrong button and open the tv program on my phone and it takes like 45 seconds to load! Oh Lord help me right?! Haha. come on, you know your that anal.
I really don't know why I decided to go to blogspot and write this, I don't have anything substantial to share. Just felt like writing. I have so much to look forward too and I'm getting really excited! Birthday weekend in D.C. with the fam (minus lala :( ) and then daytona at the end of june! days of work just get me closer so i dont mind them...passing by so droll like. My life is dull...I think. Ryan and I had our first marriage counseling session last thursday and I was so encouraged Ryan talked! He seems to really want to participate and be involved in this and Im so glad. Anything is possible when both people are willing to take advice and change! Ryan and I love eachother so much, just thinking about makes me feel happy. I know that if we can learn how to communicate in a way we take what we're saying to the other person the right way, we'll be a really happy couple. if that makes sense. It's SO odd I'm married when I think about it, and how I'll always be married now, I feel pretty at ease though about the thought, which i guess is good!
I'm just going to put this out there.
I think about having a baby at least two times a DAY! Every day. I'm not exaggerating. I think sex is less exciting because I know theres ZERO chance I can accidently get pregnant now that Im on the Depo shot. STUPID RIGHT? ahh its just girls are having babies all around me in the NAVY, everywhere i look, some woman is waddling around looking like her babies about to fall out right then. im sooo jealous. I don't know whats wrong with me, I feel like I'm sick in the head thinking about having a baby this bad. Does anyone else go thru this phase??!! will it end?!! I find myself planning my future around having a bably. And then I go back and forth with trying to find excuses to just have one in the next year. Oh,....I'm so sad. haha.
Anyways, I should go, I'm just rambling.
I think I'm feeling some copeland coming on :)
and some pjs..im ready to be out of these jeans.
goodnight lovelies.
xoxo
Thursday, February 4, 2010
craving that NEW feeling...
so whenever i was a civilian, back before i had entered this "military world" i was a poor post highschool nobody. i rarely had a car, could never get more than 25hrs a week of work, moved about 10 times in less than 2 years..and was always feeling completely unstable. now mind you, among all this hectic drama i was very anxious to get out of it, as i felt like i was being pulled into a muddy pit, helpless and hopeless. joining the Navy was something that was going to "bring me out" and "brighten my world."
And it did.
Then why is satisfaction so far away? i enjoy my apartment, having my car, my stable job (paycheck) and now i have my husband that 'meets all my emotional desires'. All the stability and things that bring joy and comfort right? Oh how i wish. But I feel very incomplete. Very uncomfortable. Rarely Joyful.
I even read the bible everyday now, and pray more often. I'm seeking God desperately in my relationship battles, and in my boredom of life. But even that feels inadequate. Why does it feel like God isn't enough to satisfy? How do I become happy with every moment? Content with walking the steps of God's plan for me? Enjoying every breath, every morning that comes.
I feel like my days are so cliche, so tick tok tick tok tick tock BORING! The same thing, everyday. This is never what i wanted when i said i wanted stability! Watching Tv/Movies fills way more of my days then i want, but its the cheapest entertainment. I love going out seeking for a perfect outfit to buy, or getting a photoshoot done, or smoking hookah with friends, or going to a restauraunt. But those things are harder to accomplish on a regular basis, and even harder, with no friends around. I don't have friends here in Virginia. Only 'work friends' which are currently all gone on deployment. I'm the one that makes reasons to not do anything enjoyable, so then why do I not blame myself for my boredom? Who else is holding me back?
I don't even feel like I'm making an ounce of sense. But anyhow, I want a second job, If only for the reason that I want to interact with more people! I love talking, I really think Its one of my favorite things to do. Wow, I'm more like my Dad then I thought. Haha.
Thats really all for now.
As always,
Me
And it did.
Then why is satisfaction so far away? i enjoy my apartment, having my car, my stable job (paycheck) and now i have my husband that 'meets all my emotional desires'. All the stability and things that bring joy and comfort right? Oh how i wish. But I feel very incomplete. Very uncomfortable. Rarely Joyful.
I even read the bible everyday now, and pray more often. I'm seeking God desperately in my relationship battles, and in my boredom of life. But even that feels inadequate. Why does it feel like God isn't enough to satisfy? How do I become happy with every moment? Content with walking the steps of God's plan for me? Enjoying every breath, every morning that comes.
I feel like my days are so cliche, so tick tok tick tok tick tock BORING! The same thing, everyday. This is never what i wanted when i said i wanted stability! Watching Tv/Movies fills way more of my days then i want, but its the cheapest entertainment. I love going out seeking for a perfect outfit to buy, or getting a photoshoot done, or smoking hookah with friends, or going to a restauraunt. But those things are harder to accomplish on a regular basis, and even harder, with no friends around. I don't have friends here in Virginia. Only 'work friends' which are currently all gone on deployment. I'm the one that makes reasons to not do anything enjoyable, so then why do I not blame myself for my boredom? Who else is holding me back?
I don't even feel like I'm making an ounce of sense. But anyhow, I want a second job, If only for the reason that I want to interact with more people! I love talking, I really think Its one of my favorite things to do. Wow, I'm more like my Dad then I thought. Haha.
Thats really all for now.
As always,
Me
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
sometimes finally getting here, makes you realize you want to be back where you where
well I am back from boot camp, back from training school in meridian mississippi, and have been here at my command in Norfolk, Va for three months. I work in a early warning aircraft squadron, we have 4 planes and about 150 people in our squadron..im estimating. Currently though my entire squadron is gone on deployment on the Carl Vinson, they were just ported in Haiti helping out for two weeks, and now are on there way around South America. Destination San Diego.
And I'm here in Norfolk.
I'm really bitter about the whole thing I think, but then sometimes SO releaved I'm not smushed in a ship berthing with 40 other emotional females for three months.
My commanding officer was the one that decided I wasn't going. He's the top guy. Like..I would never get to talk to him except for the "HI, welcome to the squadron" speech the second day I was here. Who knows what he hears from Master Chief..but he decided because of the stuff I had been going thru, and my mental health appointment I had set up..to leave me behind.
I should have never made that appointment.
One of the things I 'went thru' was a miscarriage. Yes, I was pregnant for a lovely 7 weeks and 3 days before I found out that my baby had probably never had a heart beat. And the sharp pain and heavy bleeding was my body was preparing to get rid of it. I kinda knew thats what was happening while I sat in the hospital waiting room with Ryan for 84 minutes. I still remember the news story playing on the tv about a woman that had drowned her infant in the bathtub. I remember thinking in anger, that lady disposed of what I would give anything to keep! But sure enough, when the doctor said the news, I felt defeated. Useless, and unsufficent. What was wrong with my body that it couldn't create that baby? She said it has nothing to do with my body, but how can it not? Is anything else able to effect it then Me? It's in my womb! But figuring out that It wasn't my husbands baby...Thats what made me thank God for taking it.
God continues to protect me in amazing ways.
Also because of all that and things that followed, my relationship with my new husband had completely crumbled. I was so unhappy I tried to convince myself it would never work, and giving up now would be less painful and the wise descison. I even tried to convince myself I didn't love him anymore. The next two weeks following when I started entertaining the thought of ending it were my most shameful in years. Kicking him out in the way I did, when I he pushed my hug away at the airport, my kicking him in the stomach. I was disgusting. And only four days later I wanted to take it all back. I wanted him back. And there were some of the deepest longest most serious conversations with God I have had in a long time. There was change in my heart.
There were so many night of crying in bed, crying while trying to eat, crying while driving, crying at work..I couldn't stop crying. Realizing I could have lost Ryan Clark was so terrifying. And even thru my gross sin and cold hearted ways. God's grace overcame me. He reminded me his arms were around me and He gave me a chance undeserved. You know you hear you don't know what you've got till its gone...well I've gone thru that many times with my Ryan, but I guess theres something about marriage that really does change things.
Because that day I married him, my heart said forever.
There's alot going on inside me recently, and I feel kind of lost in my identity. It's hard as you sweep away all the dirt because then you feel bare. And these new habits you're trying to start feel like terrible, like you're trying to be someone else. And you have to stick it out. Because eventually being bare will feel right, and when little bits of dirt falls on you, you'll get rid of it as fast as you can. I miss the me i used to be, barely eating, smoking with people I love, and in the car.. and all those late nights with friends and sleeping in late and barely working. Being near everything familiar and getting out of hard situations all the time..like a second job. Dealing with people instead of Bills. And dying your hair everytime you fight with someone so you can start over... it was all so differant.
But growing up means getting rid of all that, I believe that. And getting rid of that is healthy spiritually, emotionally, and physically. But the proccess of changing is hard and painful. As always, and that's why people postponed growing up for so many years, and thats why you meet the 45 yr olds that are 18. But that's not God's plan. So that's not what I want. But there must be a balance of keeping some of that youth as a core of joy to get you thru adulthood.. thats the balance Im trying to figure out.
What characteristics of youth are good to keep in adulthood?
So, thats all for now. Speaking of the balance..I'm going to dye my hair tonight I think, because I need some change. I need something from my youth to make me happy after this hard day. :)
Love always,
me
And I'm here in Norfolk.
I'm really bitter about the whole thing I think, but then sometimes SO releaved I'm not smushed in a ship berthing with 40 other emotional females for three months.
My commanding officer was the one that decided I wasn't going. He's the top guy. Like..I would never get to talk to him except for the "HI, welcome to the squadron" speech the second day I was here. Who knows what he hears from Master Chief..but he decided because of the stuff I had been going thru, and my mental health appointment I had set up..to leave me behind.
I should have never made that appointment.
One of the things I 'went thru' was a miscarriage. Yes, I was pregnant for a lovely 7 weeks and 3 days before I found out that my baby had probably never had a heart beat. And the sharp pain and heavy bleeding was my body was preparing to get rid of it. I kinda knew thats what was happening while I sat in the hospital waiting room with Ryan for 84 minutes. I still remember the news story playing on the tv about a woman that had drowned her infant in the bathtub. I remember thinking in anger, that lady disposed of what I would give anything to keep! But sure enough, when the doctor said the news, I felt defeated. Useless, and unsufficent. What was wrong with my body that it couldn't create that baby? She said it has nothing to do with my body, but how can it not? Is anything else able to effect it then Me? It's in my womb! But figuring out that It wasn't my husbands baby...Thats what made me thank God for taking it.
God continues to protect me in amazing ways.
Also because of all that and things that followed, my relationship with my new husband had completely crumbled. I was so unhappy I tried to convince myself it would never work, and giving up now would be less painful and the wise descison. I even tried to convince myself I didn't love him anymore. The next two weeks following when I started entertaining the thought of ending it were my most shameful in years. Kicking him out in the way I did, when I he pushed my hug away at the airport, my kicking him in the stomach. I was disgusting. And only four days later I wanted to take it all back. I wanted him back. And there were some of the deepest longest most serious conversations with God I have had in a long time. There was change in my heart.
There were so many night of crying in bed, crying while trying to eat, crying while driving, crying at work..I couldn't stop crying. Realizing I could have lost Ryan Clark was so terrifying. And even thru my gross sin and cold hearted ways. God's grace overcame me. He reminded me his arms were around me and He gave me a chance undeserved. You know you hear you don't know what you've got till its gone...well I've gone thru that many times with my Ryan, but I guess theres something about marriage that really does change things.
Because that day I married him, my heart said forever.
There's alot going on inside me recently, and I feel kind of lost in my identity. It's hard as you sweep away all the dirt because then you feel bare. And these new habits you're trying to start feel like terrible, like you're trying to be someone else. And you have to stick it out. Because eventually being bare will feel right, and when little bits of dirt falls on you, you'll get rid of it as fast as you can. I miss the me i used to be, barely eating, smoking with people I love, and in the car.. and all those late nights with friends and sleeping in late and barely working. Being near everything familiar and getting out of hard situations all the time..like a second job. Dealing with people instead of Bills. And dying your hair everytime you fight with someone so you can start over... it was all so differant.
But growing up means getting rid of all that, I believe that. And getting rid of that is healthy spiritually, emotionally, and physically. But the proccess of changing is hard and painful. As always, and that's why people postponed growing up for so many years, and thats why you meet the 45 yr olds that are 18. But that's not God's plan. So that's not what I want. But there must be a balance of keeping some of that youth as a core of joy to get you thru adulthood.. thats the balance Im trying to figure out.
What characteristics of youth are good to keep in adulthood?
So, thats all for now. Speaking of the balance..I'm going to dye my hair tonight I think, because I need some change. I need something from my youth to make me happy after this hard day. :)
Love always,
me
Saturday, June 20, 2009
ive got an anxious disease
alive in wild paint. incredible band. Travis bryant is the lead singer, from former Goodbye Tomorrow and Terminal,both incredible as well. check out ALIVE IN WILD PAINT!
i am an extremely anxious person. i struggle with it all the time, almost daily, and have for the last few years. both the sychiatrists i went too,, or however the hellll you spell that..amongst some other diagnosis, said i had anxiety disorder.
the other things were a minimal case of borderline personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, a low case of bi polar disorder and nas despression. so obviously ive been painted up to have some issues. ive never really been on on going medications simply because of how they are expensive they are. and sometimes i go thru phases where i seem okay, but sometimes things get worse, more symptoms arise, and i feel completely broken. and ive been feeling it alot, ESP the anxiety and bi polar stuff. i dont know what to do, its really hard to deal with.
went to a DEP MEETING THIS MORNING. the last one before i leave on the 8th. I did it on 2 hrs of sleep..working out stuff and a run in this crazy heat! it wasnt that bad though, i think the mocha expresso drink at 8am saved me. i was at the meeting from 830 to 12. im actually kinda excited for basic now tho, i feel like im ready because today all these guys acted like they were dying on the run, and for me it was quite easy really. so that made me feel better. i have some serious withdrawals from things though that will be extremely difficult. :/
I dont feel very deep today, just sad. My siblings (minus john) are just continually blowing me off. and it hurts. like really really really really really hurts bad. im going to miss them so bad, as i do now. thats it.
lovelovelove.
Friday, June 19, 2009
planned parenthood
SUCKS!
you cant just go get free blood testing like everyone says.you have to prove that your like completely poor as shit. and even then they will still charge you a little bit. and the lady i talked to on the phone was a prick. maybe ill go to er again? ive had good luck there..haha. sounds weird saying that..
i just feel so completely sore. every move i make is like ahh. and im just tired. i just want to curl up in a ball. not to mention i have a million bruises on my legs lol..ah my life. im so odd.
there was a ridulously extreme storm this morning. it woke me up at 7.12am. there was flooding in our basement apparently cause when i got on the tv to check for a tornado watch my mom told me to go get my dad for help cause there was a "serious water issue" in the basement. haha.
....so ya.
and apparently tonight is gonna be the worst of it. today the heat index is suppose to be 100 degrees and now the cold front is coming thru tonight around 8. and there are strong winds, hail and maybe circular storms as they call them now (aka TORNADOS!) sooo..im a lil creeped out..esp since ill be at work until 11:30.
hopefully i get sent home early and can go over to someones house, cause im sure as hell not going home tonight. everyone is driving me crazy when im in this grumpy, painful condition.
thats really all i got.
lovelovelove.
you cant just go get free blood testing like everyone says.you have to prove that your like completely poor as shit. and even then they will still charge you a little bit. and the lady i talked to on the phone was a prick. maybe ill go to er again? ive had good luck there..haha. sounds weird saying that..
i just feel so completely sore. every move i make is like ahh. and im just tired. i just want to curl up in a ball. not to mention i have a million bruises on my legs lol..ah my life. im so odd.
there was a ridulously extreme storm this morning. it woke me up at 7.12am. there was flooding in our basement apparently cause when i got on the tv to check for a tornado watch my mom told me to go get my dad for help cause there was a "serious water issue" in the basement. haha.
....so ya.
and apparently tonight is gonna be the worst of it. today the heat index is suppose to be 100 degrees and now the cold front is coming thru tonight around 8. and there are strong winds, hail and maybe circular storms as they call them now (aka TORNADOS!) sooo..im a lil creeped out..esp since ill be at work until 11:30.
hopefully i get sent home early and can go over to someones house, cause im sure as hell not going home tonight. everyone is driving me crazy when im in this grumpy, painful condition.
thats really all i got.
lovelovelove.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
no one really wins this time
If you don't find a love you want
If I have acted ungracefully
I don't want to see you go
I never meant to make you want to leave
Go if you want
Make your way straight to the door
I hope that you'll look back before you go
'Cause grace looks back before it starts to leave
So yesterday, after I wrote that first entry, It was odd because when I went to college group, Darrins speechehmathingy (my weird word haha, see if you can figure it out) talked about the same subject I wrote about, so simply put, it was what i needed to hear, so that was awesome.
I'm not in the writing mood today honestly...Ya know I kinda feel like this sleep problem is just about the fufilling of a habit that im used to getting daily, and I have to recieve some form of it, and then i sleep like a baby, if not..theres trouble. haha. but really that is a serious problem, and something Im going to work on. Last night was just too good, I hate feeling like im getting attached when I know I cant be.
I am so feeling oriented its not even funny, even though I have a really good sense of character and truth(facts). Its like I believe the truth.. and just choose when to live by it, in this way I feel like im the worst kind of Christian, which discourages me beyond explanation. Its just so scary to think about trying to change that.
This summer weather is simply lovely, its freaking hot out, and I wish I had a beach to drive too. I loooove the beach, and I'm not going to go at all this summer, thats like a first for me, and I'm unhappy. Haha. I've pretty much given up on my photoshoot before I leave. Lauren is just too busy and doesnt find it important enough to make time for me, she'd rather continue to make plans with friends that will be around all summer, when I'm leaving in a couple weeks..oh well, you cant make people.
My brother is going in such a wrong direction and I feel like I'm doing nothing about it. He is going to be right where I was, but should I just let him learn by experience? I have no clue and I really dont like trying to confront him about anything because he simply looses his shit when that happens. Id rather keep a neutral relationship thats all fun and smiles, but really thats just my selfish motive. Wow Im really failing lately. I've even smoking again, alot, TERRIBLE for my breathing when I'm trying to do cardio daily. Someone needs to just hit me with some sense. I'm getting to where I'm just using basic as a reason to stay, I'll stop everything then..but will that really make a differance for when I get out of basic? . I really like someone right now and wish I could date them but my life is not fit for a relationship by any means at this point... and letting go of Ryan is the hardest thing. Knowing that I need to rule him out as a possible husband in my future..even though its still what i want.Ehhh I'm writing a whole bunch of nothing...
go google find chuck norris. you'll laugh.
lovelovelove.
If I have acted ungracefully
I don't want to see you go
I never meant to make you want to leave
Go if you want
Make your way straight to the door
I hope that you'll look back before you go
'Cause grace looks back before it starts to leave
So yesterday, after I wrote that first entry, It was odd because when I went to college group, Darrins speechehmathingy (my weird word haha, see if you can figure it out) talked about the same subject I wrote about, so simply put, it was what i needed to hear, so that was awesome.
I'm not in the writing mood today honestly...Ya know I kinda feel like this sleep problem is just about the fufilling of a habit that im used to getting daily, and I have to recieve some form of it, and then i sleep like a baby, if not..theres trouble. haha. but really that is a serious problem, and something Im going to work on. Last night was just too good, I hate feeling like im getting attached when I know I cant be.
I am so feeling oriented its not even funny, even though I have a really good sense of character and truth(facts). Its like I believe the truth.. and just choose when to live by it, in this way I feel like im the worst kind of Christian, which discourages me beyond explanation. Its just so scary to think about trying to change that.
This summer weather is simply lovely, its freaking hot out, and I wish I had a beach to drive too. I loooove the beach, and I'm not going to go at all this summer, thats like a first for me, and I'm unhappy. Haha. I've pretty much given up on my photoshoot before I leave. Lauren is just too busy and doesnt find it important enough to make time for me, she'd rather continue to make plans with friends that will be around all summer, when I'm leaving in a couple weeks..oh well, you cant make people.
My brother is going in such a wrong direction and I feel like I'm doing nothing about it. He is going to be right where I was, but should I just let him learn by experience? I have no clue and I really dont like trying to confront him about anything because he simply looses his shit when that happens. Id rather keep a neutral relationship thats all fun and smiles, but really thats just my selfish motive. Wow Im really failing lately. I've even smoking again, alot, TERRIBLE for my breathing when I'm trying to do cardio daily. Someone needs to just hit me with some sense. I'm getting to where I'm just using basic as a reason to stay, I'll stop everything then..but will that really make a differance for when I get out of basic? . I really like someone right now and wish I could date them but my life is not fit for a relationship by any means at this point... and letting go of Ryan is the hardest thing. Knowing that I need to rule him out as a possible husband in my future..even though its still what i want.Ehhh I'm writing a whole bunch of nothing...
go google find chuck norris. you'll laugh.
lovelovelove.
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